A Traumatic End to A Wonderful Summer

so i was in a car accident about 3 weeks ago. it was 2 days before i came back to skool. 2 minutes from my house. one lane, dirt road, that iv driven a thousand times. i was on my way home to take a shower and get ready for my b-day party that night. i had spent the morning working at my church providing childcare and Bible lessons to children whose parents were in a parenting seminar (which was organized and put together by my mother). as i came around the corner i found myself staring straight into the grill of an SUV. i instinctively turned my car to the left and my head to the right as i watched the inevitable in horror. the next thing i knew the left side of my face especially my ear was in excrutiating pain and i couldnt hear anything. i felt dizzy and confused and everything around me seemed to move in slow motion as i tried to comprehend my injuries and the airbag in front of my face. i thought to myself "this is bad. u have just been involved in a serious accident. you r probably not mortally wounded but its definately not good. this is bad. u might hav a concussion. it feels like your face has been torn off even tho it probably hasnt. this is bad" i wasnt sure how severely i was injured but i knew that something was really wrong. i was crying partially from pain but mostly from confusion as i mentally checked my body for serious injuries and wondered if i'd be able to move. slowly i unclicked my seat belt and opened my door. the lady in the other car had jumped out of her car yelling (i could hear her well thro my open windows) at me that it was my fault and i was on the wrong side of the rode which confused me further...i kept thinking "it is a one-lane road, how could i hav been on the wrong side? will i get in trouble for this? how is this my fault? how did i mess up so badly? i tried to avoid the accident, she never saw me. she didnt try to avoid hitting me." i noticed that her airbags had not deployed and her car was only smashed in at the bumper which was lodged against mine. at some point a retired fireman that lived accross the street came to check on us because he heard the crash. i remmeber his somewhat comforting presence by my car as we waited for the paramedics. the other lady and i both called the police and explained the situation; her yelling, me in tears and disoriented. the woman on the phone was very friendly and helped keep me from panicking. at some point before the police got there the woman i collided with got back in her car and put it in reverse pulling it away from mine. confused, i turned my car off and realized it was still in gear so i put it in park even tho it wasnt going anywhere as the front half was completely smashed in. moments later i remember her pulling forward a few feet over back up close to my bumper. part of me freaked out thinking she was going to hit me again, while the other part of me could still barely comprehend wat was happening. at this point i was thinking "what is she doing? i dont think you are sposed to move yer car till the police get here. is she going to ram me or something? she never asked if i was ok... y would she move her car wen im obviously injured and its lodged with mine?" thro the entire incident my biggest and most appalling memory is hearing her say over and over again that it was my fault and the fact that she never asked if i was ok. the police, paramedics, and fire department arrived moments before my parents and the rest is probably typical. i was issued a citation even tho the police never asked me what happened. my parents held me as i lost it a couple times from being rattled, hurt, and accused. the tow truck came and eventually we left after my parents graciously offered the lady some water and made sure she was ok (i never got up the ability to speak to her becuase she was so nasty towards me and i was a complete mess). my b-day party went on almost as planned and it was fun but by the end i was really feeling sore and still could barely hear anything in my left ear. and had a badly sprained wrist (and the most gorgeous bruises iv ever had lol).

for 3 weeks now i hav been almost completely deaf in my left ear. last week it started hurting so i went to the doctor and was told i would either hav to live with being partially deaf the rest of my life or undergo some sort of surgery. neither option sounded good and i am pleased to say that in the last few days i hav slowly been regaining my hearing. God is so good and i hav definately learned how to appreciate my hearing more and not take it for granted. i hav to go back to court in october and im hoping that the judge will listen to my side of the story and greatly reduce my ticket, but the main thing is im happy to be alive and to be regaining wat little i lost. life is so precious and every sense is an amazing gift.

the woman i collided with was from the city. im pretty sure that no one from around where i live would hav ever acted so outragiously (this is not to say that all city-folk are uncaring and ridiculous). but i felt very attacked by her and i really need to search my heart and pray for her instead of harboring resntment and anger for the way she treated me and my parents. city rules are different than country ones. in the country if someone is injured whether it is their fault or yours, their welfare comes first. sometimes i feel like in the country life is valued so much more than material things like cars or schedules or anything else. but no matter how degraded and hurt i feel i cannot, as a Christian, allow my feelings to fester. just like i am more important than a car, that lady that i collided with is more important than my hurt feelings and perforated ear drum.

Online Dating

as many of you know i decided to try out the whole online dating thing. just as i was skeptical of MySpace, so i was also skeptical of match.com. however, unlike with MySpace i was pleasantly surprised. now first let me say that it was not an act of desperation and lonliness, but for you to believe me i'll need to explain what has happened over this past summer.

in january of 2010... (well it started before that but jan. seems like a good place to start the story) my heart was broken pretty badly. i went thro my usual rants of "i'll never be the same" "ill hide in a hole forever" "i hate boys" "all guys are jerks" and so on...then in May before skool was over i was driving back to my job in Mesa working as a nanny and i just started sobbing and pouring my heart out to God. it was then that i finally gave the situation up to him, and not only that situation but my entire future. my whole life the only thing i have ever wanted is to be married. to have my "happily ever after." the one thing i have planned the rest of my life around has been marriage. but that night driving in the car i gave up on that dream. i let it go and told God that if it was not His will for me to get married, then i would be ok with that. it was then and there that i decided to stop worrying about and planning for marriage. for so long my parents and mentors have been telling me to figure out what God wants me to do and to focus on what i need to do... and i never really understood. i would always just think well, i NEED to get married lol. that night in the car i had a crisis of identity. who am i in Christ? and what am i to do?

this year im making that my quest to truly seek out what i am to do and how i am to use my gifts and talents and even my weaknesses to glorify God. im sure that by this point you are wondering what in the world all this has to do with online dating. well all summer long i kept myself busy and nursed my broken heart. i sought fellowship with godly people and worked my butt off lol. one night i was really bored. it had been about 8 months since i had been in a relationship and about 3 since i had really given things to God and allowed Him to start fitting the pieces back together. i decided to check out match.com on a whim. i figured it would be a bunch of campatability tests and people in their 30's who still lived at home with their parents. and wow it was soooo differant than i expected. basically all it is, is a giant chat room where you already hav things to talk about. all it does is provide oppurtunity and topics lol and most of the people on it are in their mid-late twenties.

i made a profile but didnt subscribe but when i got an email and couldnt read it curiosity got the best of me lol. so i subscribed. yes i paid for it.... lol i hav had so much fun talking to very interesting people (that seldomly actually live with their parents)that i never would have met otherwise. i already hav several friends from the experience :) and have met 2 of them in person.

the whole idea of online dating has kinda been looked at as desperate, or trying to "play God" but that seems kinda silly to me. is it desperate or playing God to walk into a singles Bible study to meet SINGLES? online dating might be not quite as safe as a singles Bible study lol and of course you have to be careful about who you talk to and who you meet, but God is still sovereign and in control of who you meet. the main thing is what is the reason to try online dating? my reason was to find friendships and meet new people, if one of them becomes more than a friend then great! but thats not my sole focus. (im not saying its bad to have that as your focus, its just not mine) even if a relationship comes of this, i am still set on my quest. still focused on doing what i need to do, what God made me to do. but who says we cant have some fun along the way? :)

My New Chapter

today is my 20th birthday. today i move from being in my "teens" to being in my "twenties" hence the reason i had to do away with the old blog title "Memoirs of a Teenage Hermit." this starts a new chapter in my life. a new beginning. i can let go of adolescence and embrace adulthood. when asked the ever popular birthday question, "so do you feel older today?" i cannot honestly say i feel older than i did yesterday, but i can say with complete honesty that i feel older than i did last year. last year seems ages ago wen i first started off to live on my own away from home. what was so scary a year ago seems fairly natural now. what terrified me a year ago i almost enjoy. isnt it interesting how this happens?

what will my new chapter hold? what new insights and experiences will i aquire within its pages? i am so much more curiously optimistic than i used to be. instead of being afraid of the unknown that is ahead and trying to plan out every detail so that there are no surprises, i find myself reveling in the not knowing. i wrap the thrill of the unexplored around me like a cozy blanket. how many adventures can i find? how many mountains can i climb?

i look at myself in the mirror and see raw potential. but potential for what?? i suppose that IS the adventure, discovering the source of passion and feeding it.

am i out of place in this world? yes :) and that makes it all the more exciting!

End of the Year Reflection

the year is almost over, i have 3 days of skool left and then i get to go home for the summer. today my grandma asked me wat the most important thing i learned this year was. i couldnt answer right away because there r so many things i have learned. i guess we can start with the simple: iv learned that redbull makes me act funny, that college dorms smell weird no matter how often u clean them, that roommates can be a blessing and a curse (especially wen they sing opera in the shower after midnight), that long distance relationships are not a good idea, that virgin margaritas should not be placed near computer keyboards (and consequently that its hard to clean a laptop keyboard), that no matter how much u think u kno the material, one teacher is still going to make u feel like a moron in front of the class,that hulu is the best thing since sliced bread, that working on a puzzle for 8 hours straight gives u a terrible crick in the neck, that if u wanna actually learn something in stats u better bring a jacket so u arent preoccupied with shivering the entire time, that kool teachers let u go on field trips to starbucks and give freebies on tests, that drinking a full orange creamsicle slushie from QT makes u really sick, that almost anything can be turned into an innuendo especially by adding "awkward" to the the end of a phrase,that there are a lot more talented people out there than i thought as well as the opposite, that Tv shows hav the answers to all our life problems, that caffeteria food isnt as bad as people say it is... every once in a while, that frozen chocolate milk is a bombtastic treat, that class might as well be canceled on Denny's free grandslam breakfast day... no one shows up anyway, that half of everything i say is a quote from a movie or tv show, that there IS such a thing as a stupid question, that even modern day Jedi's can get a girlfriend, that you should not put big complicated words like socialization into a presentation especially after drinking a vente frappacino, that a snuggie around the bunkbed makes a good cave to escape for some privacy now and then, that during the skool year 8 o'clock is the crack of dawn and being out late means 3 am.....iv learned that people can hav differing opinions and theology and still get along, that the world is not as black and white as i would like it to be, that valuing life is an essential human characteristic and the most attractive one, that God chases after me when i run from Him, and that no matter how many times or how badly i fail i can always start over the next day. this year was really hard for me but i hav learned much and changed for the better. i am more gracious in my attitude towards others, more humble, and more willing to give of myself to others. im not sure if im looking forward to next year but i am definately interested to see what God teaches me next.

I Shall Not Live in Vain

"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain"

~ Emily Dickinson

i bought this book that is a collection of Emily Dickinson's poems the other day. i was reading through it and i found this one. first of all Emily is one of my favorite poets but this poem just so perfectly summed up how i feel and why i want to pursue my degree in behavioral health, and eventually be a counselor and/or working as an urban youth worker. thank you Emily for your wonderful pearls of insight. :-)

Praise Him Through the Storm

These past couple of weeks have been really rough. My emotions have been insanely mixed; up and down all day long. Thursday was the first day i found out that i had for sure been betrayed by someone i cared about very much. For three days after i had a knot in my stomach that wouldnt go away and if i sat still i could feel myself shaking. On Sunday i finally decided that something had to change. This whole year has been one heartache after another and im really tired of being hurt. This is life after all and it doesnt get much better from here. I should not be suprised that with life comes pain, with love comes hurt, and with sin comes destruction.

Thank you God for stripping me of my pride. Thank you for breaking me down and taking my will to disobey away. But God do not leave me broken, stripped, and desolate. Build me back up, clothe me in garments of righteousness, and pour comfort and joy into my heart.

Yesterday I stepped out of my comfort zone. I reached out because I will go crazy if I don’t. I went to church by myself and then I went to a bbq for the young adult group. I didn’t know anybody there except for a few that I have seen but never really talked to. But I went anyway. I called my mom and she prayed with me before I walked over to the group and that gave me what little courage I needed. I met everyone in the group, we played softball and ate hamburgers and I had a great time. I didn’t become instant best friends with anyone but I know that it was definitely a step in the direction of making some more friends.

Why should I sit in my room being depressed over someone that hurt me? Is he worth my pain? Is he worth my shame? Shouldn’t I spend that time praising the one who is worth my joy, and worth my love?

Psalm 40
“1I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
2He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
3He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the LORD.”

Broken

i am so crushed by the pain of my peers... everywhere i look lives are falling to pieces. drink. drugs. divorce. death. children abandoned or emotionally abused. people treated worse than animals. relationships breaking over and over again until there is nothing left. my soul aches for these. homeless, helpless, hopeless people. i prayed, "God break my heart for what breaks yours" and so he did. but now that my heart breaks for the brokenhearted, what am i to do? am i really doing all i can? i am getting my degree, pursuing the means to help, and i pour myself into the lives of those around me but is it doing any good? i keep telling myself that i cannot save them, that only God can, but i so long for them to be saved. not just spiritually but also from their earthly pain... or at least to experience God and the hope of Christ through earthly pain. it seems that so many are succumbing to darkness. they get to a place where they dont even want help anymore... must i sit by and watch dear loved ones face daily death and despair? i am willing to suffer for the sake of the gospel of Christ in order that they be restored, but do i suffer in vain if they are not? spare the weak O God! do not turn a deaf ear to those in anguish! listen to my plea O God, not for myself but for the sake of your holy name vindicate the downtrodden. HERE AM I LORD SEND ME... i grow so impatient with developing my gifts and training my mind. help me to see what YOU will have me see and throw away what YOU will have me throw away.

there was a great victory today praise God! it was not of me, i was not speaking, nor was i even present but finally God answered a desperate cry for help. i pray that, that cry is answered for another and another and another until all see the majesty and glory of our Most High God.

i realized just now that i never finished typing up my journal from my DC trip. since i see it as a defining moment in my life i will resume work on that project and have it up ASAP

Because He Luvs Me...

i always make a point to post on Valentines day or about it at least. this year is a somber one for me. i love valentines still dont get me wrong...just not this one. i got roses from my daddy this year and they are beautiful :) i got them a week ago and they are still gorgeous. my roommate walked past and asked me "how are your flowers still so pretty?" i said, "because they luv me" prolly cuz they also kno i need it right now. iv just been thinkin that every girl doesnt get swept off her feet ya kno? love doesnt solve the problem of life. life happens. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. and maybe i should be ok with that. im so angry and tired. seems like im always wrong. i kno wat im supposed to do and yet it is so hard for some reason. its right there in front of me and yet... most days i dont even want it. real life hurts. its so much easier to just hide away in fantasies and fairytales. its a daily struggle against myself and more often than not i lose. ive been a Christian my whole life and instead of getting easier it just gets harder and harder. every time i stray from God i find out the hard way y He gave me a conscience. it irks me that i am so easily enticed away from His protection. iv never really had to fight before. it has always been so easy. but now...i seem to fail at every turn. Why does God let these things happen? y cant i just figure it out the easy way? y does He let me get into these situations and wind up with my heart broken? ....Because He luvs me...

Snot Over Yet

So today in my prophet’s class I was taking a test which I had thoroughly studied for the night before and was fairly confident on. When I got close to the last page I realized that my nose had started running and all the sniffing in the world didn’t seem to help the situation. I very discreetly wiped the drip on my lip off onto the sleeve cuff of my sweatshirt and proceeded to answer the next question. The second time I tried this maneuver it didn’t work so well.... in wiping the drip from my lip the second time it caused kind of a chain reaction. The more snot I wiped from my nose the more it started coming out. I soon began to panic because though I was close to the end of the test, and many people had already left, there were a few more students and my professor still in the classroom and I really didn’t want them to witness my little problem. On top of that I was running out of cuff space. So while still answering questions I balled up my left sleeve in my hand and took one good long swipe at my nose as I finished the test. I then gingerly stood and handed the test to my teacher in hopes that no one would notice my balled up sleeve and wonder y I couldn’t stop sniffing, and scurried out of the room to the bathroom where I blew my nose and removed my damaged sweatshirt. All this because I forgot to take my allergy pill.

Sometimes life is like this. A problem comes up that we don’t want anyone to notice so we use a quick fix instead of getting at the root of the problem, or better yet taking steps to prevent the problem in the first place. So many times I use quick fixes for life’s daily problems because I’m too lazy, busy, tired, or apathetic. I think to myself that as long as I can cover it up so that other people don’t see it, then I won’t really have to sit down and deal with it. This never works, because the more I “swipe at the snot” or use a quick fix, the more the problem grows. I don’t have it all figured out, but as I was thinking about this incident today it struck me as quite funny and yet truly applicable to other areas in my life.

I hope this makes you smile even if it is a little gross lol