Turning 18

When you turn 18 you don’t automatically become an adult just because the world recognizes you as one. iv really been finding this out lately. i am sooooo not an adult yet, im still such a spoiled little kid lol. ya iv gotta make some of my own choices now, and i get to sign my own medical release lol but i dont hav any huge responsibilities, besides skool. the jobs i hva r total no brainers. i watch kids a LOT! and come on wat 13 yr. old cant do that?? not saying its a bad job just cuz it isnt hard, just saying doesnt take much on my part. im still learning how to be an adult. taking ownership for mistakes, humility (thats a hard one), taking responsibility instead of running to mom and dad for everything. i think next year is gonna be a rude awakening. im gonna be on my own a lot more. having to make my own appointments, managing my own bank account, making sure i get to class on time, going to job interviews....and so on. my parents hav been cultivating this independance in me all my life but until i step up to the plate it isnt gonna do much good, so im gonna try to accept more rewponsibilities and adult attitudes now so that i dont hav to freak out later lol.

Love is Patient

one last thing ill say on the matter is that in the famous love passage, i think there is a reason that patience is first...

Learning to Love the Hard Way : a Psalm of Lament

i have realized all too late that iv acted in the most abominable way. doning the exact opposite characteristics than what love is. i became selfish and impatient demanding my own way. iv been proud and rude and resentful, deeming myself in the right for these feelings. iv been so foolish, so utterly and miserably wrong. but who will hear it now? the consequences of my unlove are being heaped upon me. my only choice now is to resolve to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things. i must not be jealous.



i became greedy with a spark of love and tried to take it by force, to claim it for my own. God knew. my whole world is so safe. so comfortable. so spoiled. do i think of others as better than myself? do i yearn to preach God's word to the world, even to my friends? do i chase after oppurtunities to serve? only wen they are conveniant i am ashamed to say. is it that iv not been called? or that iv never heard the call? is my fear so ingrained in me that i cannot hear the voice of the Lord?



o the wretched child that i am, so much disgusted by my own self worship! and am i now so blinded to my shortcomings that i deny my tru desperation, deny my glaring faults? O God forgive me and restore my broken soul. my vision has been clouded with my own pain, my own hurt, my own pity...iv strayed before but never so far as this. Draw me close to you once more. my childishness sickens me.



love rejoices in the truth! in the right! were i simply dragging my feet at the truth would it not be bad enough?? but no i dug in my claws, screaming. worse than the demons in my unbelief so deluded that not a word could console me. but now my repentance is firm. not a cheap trick for my own favor but sincere and unwavering. guide me. show me. take me thro this fire iv created for myself for only you can.