Part One: People Suck....what else is new?

people are just that......imperfect, pitiful, little creatures that call themselves human beings...no one is above that label. people let u down and stab u in the back, and betray u at the worst possible times. yes dare i say it...PEOPLE SUCK!! superficialness has reached an all time high. depression may be a chemical imbalance but i believe its caused by Psychological abuse at the hands of the world. but we dont have to have faith in people and we dont have to accept their imperfection as our standard. while people are totally disfunctional and pathetic, God is perfect, pure, holy, just, omnicient, omnipotent, omnipresnt, and much much more. dont get me wrong, i think we should learn to trust people and encourage them as well as allow ourselves to be encouraged toward perfection (Christ), but ultimately we must put our faith and hope and trust in God. some people say "well God let me down", or "if God cares than why do bad things happen to good people." and i tell u it is not to discourage us but to strengthen us. we live in a fallen world (our fault not God's) and therefore bad things happen to all people. God never lets us down or abandons us so long as we call on his name. if it appears that God has walked away from u, perhaps it is because u have walked away from Him. and While God is LOVE he is also much more than that. TO BE CONTINUED.......

What I Think About in the Wee Hours...

it really frys me how people will take wat u look like and judge yer strengths and weeknesses by wat they see. so just becuase i enjoy wearing nice clothes and looking as best i can, i must be a week, pitiful, giggly little, whiney girl. another thing that frys me is how we play to the roles we r given. because its wat people think i am i become that which i hate. most people havent seen my firey, stubborn, headstrong. independant, can-do-anything side. not saying thats bad lol but i feel so worthless around a lot of my friends. i constantly feel like i need to prove myself wen around them but im afraid if i try to ill fall flat on my face and prove them right instead. or wen i occasionally do something like that everyone is so shocked and i feel more how inadaquite i look in their eyes. i admit it i struggle with selfconsciousness a lot more than i should. wow i have gotten a lot bolder in my blogging lol.....guess its cuz no one reads it besides maybe K and she has no sympathy for me...not that im lookin fer any, its just that its 12:42 in the morning and i cant sleep so im putting down my thoughts which supposedly helps. this whole writing out my thoughts thing is kinda theraputic cuz ive not really got anyone to tell them to who doesnt want to fix it. im my own shrink lol!!! well anyway maybe ill write a poem er something........*steps down from soap box*

Shakespeare's XXVII Sonnet

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head,
To work my mind, when body's work's expired:
For then my thoughts, from far where I abide,
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,
Looking on darkness which the blind do see:
Save that my soul's imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,
Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,
Makes black night beauteous and her old face new.
Lo, thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee and for myself no quiet find.


As always William hits the nail on the head, he is such a genious!

The Curse

i think that the greatest curse of being a writer is that your speach/thoughts is/are always dramatic and poetic.

Ramblings

why do people do things and then regret them? why do people love with all their hearts only to have them crushed? why do people dream and then wake up to a reality that they hate? why must people struggle day in and day out living a lie so that society will respect or at least accept them? who cares what people say my reputation is if i know the truth and God knows the truth? why must i constantly cater to what everyone else says is proper or polite? isn't it enough that God knows my heart? why shouldnt i burst out in a glorious song to God when im standing in the mall or why is it not acceptable for me to be myself? because people dont like me. because they want to harness my true beauty and squeeze it into a tight mold of their choice. because they want me to be who they want me to be and wen they find out who i am they flick me away like a disgusting tick. they cant accept that im human and make mistakes. they cant accept that im imperfect. so i hide myself and wen i cant supress it any longer i bubble forth with a great passion for life and love and fun, i cant contain my laughter and excitment. people find me obnoxious. their words cut me, sharper than a knife and i retreat once more. the people like me once i fit into wat they think i should be. they think they know me but they dont. only God knows how ive suffered. guilt, shame, nothingness... those stories were all about me!! dont you see?!?! you dont understand. how can you? you dont even know to understand. you could probably help but i dont want you to. i wont let myself dissapoint you. becasue thats wat i am, a dissapointment. i dont wallow in self pity i accept this lot. i have faith that one day God will change me and my circumstances. he is the only one who truly loves, cares, and knows me above all else. i strive for something better...i strive for wat only he can give me, ultimate satisfaction in him. perhaps it is not i who suffered after all...maybe it was the characters that i became in books. well no matter it is still something i bear on my shoulders, but i sullenly hand it over to Christ. truly he is the sufferer. im so unworthy, but God chose me, and i am his.


these ramblings are not pointed and they have no meaning watsoever lol i just decided to try something. the memoirs you see above are my swirling thoughts. do u see how truly abstract i am? my thoughts go like this in circles for hours and i usually have no idea wat im talking/thinking about. my thoughts are not always on this subject but they are always serious and confusing lol. this is why i write. i have a specific reason for every single thing i write though it may not seem so. most things i write specifically relate to myself and something i am going through. i try to organize my mind but i cant so i write stories to help me understand myself...no im not insane or maybe i am, but who cares? lol

Liberation

i have struggled for many months with a certain issue/sin. it has pushed me away from my Maker and some of my friends. it has weighed heavily on my heart, consuming my thoughts, not allowing me to feel free to share my pain. i let it become a giant wall between me and the outside world. i recently read a book called Boy Meets Girl by: Joshua Harris and though the issue is unrelated the book helped me understand some things i had been struggling with. the timeless truths of the Bible penetrated through the lies i had told myself for so long. i have finally come to terms with things and i realize that dwelling on them only makes things worse. for a long time i would think to myself....well i know that God is in control and he has my best interest in mind, but wat if i dont like wats best for me? wat if i cant find happiness in wat God decides should happen? i see now how silly that idea is because God wants me to have joy and delight, not in things or circumstances, but in Him! Praise God for liberating me from my own pit of darkness!! may God be glorified in me for i am satisfied in Him.

The Paranormal

I just finished reading a book called Three. In this book, the main character is being plagued by a demon from the past. In the end it turns out that he had two alter egos, one is good and one is evil. In a sense he created his own reality. I believe that we all do this. The question is why? I am an avid reader and have been most of my life. When I’m reading a book I’ve always described it as escaping reality, but until now I have not fully understood the truth in those words. To some people reading is a waste of time, to others it is an adventure yadda yadda yadda…
When I was about 13 years old the second Lord of the Rings movie came out. I never watched the first movie because I have never been able to handle anything even remotely scary (I realize now it’s because I believed it was real) but there was a lot of peer pressure since it was so popular. I never intended to watch the second one but my brother’s friends brought it to our house one night to watch. We lived in a rather small house and they had the volume turned way up, so it was almost impossible to avoid watching with out looking like a baby. I watched bits and pieces of it until I started to get interested. That was a BIG mistake. Later I remember waking up in the middle of the night thinking The Orcs are coming to get me! I have to get away; I have to get out of here! I was frantic until I calmed myself to think about it and realized it wasn’t real.
Thinking back on my childhood I was weird. When I played pretend it was real (to me at least). I made up scenarios for myself and characters. I was either the victim of some evil plot or the one charged to rescue the victims destined to always fail. I only played these scenes out by myself and only in my head. When I was with other people I usually pretended to be a princess or my favorite animal the dog. Once I was alone pretend was more real. One time I convinced myself that my parents were divorced or that they beat me so I ran away. Of course it was completely ridiculous, and my parents are happily married without a trace of abuse anywhere. I would pretend that I was crippled and no one liked me, when in truth it was the opposite. Why did I do these things? Why did I dwell on evil so much?
Do we all have demons that plague us? Are we battling ourselves, each other, spirits, or nothing? I am now 16 years old and I still find myself having difficulty differentiating between fact and fiction, reality and fantasy. What is real and what is made up? I think that many if not all people do strange things like this, but most people don’t think about it or choose not to remember certain things. The human mind is so amazing that we can’t even begin to understand it. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not some crazy psychopath with multiple alter egos. I am in fact quite normal compared to many peoples’ standards as far as the mind is concerned. However I do have a lot of time to contemplate these things and I enjoy it. Now does that make me weird? Probably, but then you have to ask yourself who defines what is “weird”?