Ramblings

why do people do things and then regret them? why do people love with all their hearts only to have them crushed? why do people dream and then wake up to a reality that they hate? why must people struggle day in and day out living a lie so that society will respect or at least accept them? who cares what people say my reputation is if i know the truth and God knows the truth? why must i constantly cater to what everyone else says is proper or polite? isn't it enough that God knows my heart? why shouldnt i burst out in a glorious song to God when im standing in the mall or why is it not acceptable for me to be myself? because people dont like me. because they want to harness my true beauty and squeeze it into a tight mold of their choice. because they want me to be who they want me to be and wen they find out who i am they flick me away like a disgusting tick. they cant accept that im human and make mistakes. they cant accept that im imperfect. so i hide myself and wen i cant supress it any longer i bubble forth with a great passion for life and love and fun, i cant contain my laughter and excitment. people find me obnoxious. their words cut me, sharper than a knife and i retreat once more. the people like me once i fit into wat they think i should be. they think they know me but they dont. only God knows how ive suffered. guilt, shame, nothingness... those stories were all about me!! dont you see?!?! you dont understand. how can you? you dont even know to understand. you could probably help but i dont want you to. i wont let myself dissapoint you. becasue thats wat i am, a dissapointment. i dont wallow in self pity i accept this lot. i have faith that one day God will change me and my circumstances. he is the only one who truly loves, cares, and knows me above all else. i strive for something better...i strive for wat only he can give me, ultimate satisfaction in him. perhaps it is not i who suffered after all...maybe it was the characters that i became in books. well no matter it is still something i bear on my shoulders, but i sullenly hand it over to Christ. truly he is the sufferer. im so unworthy, but God chose me, and i am his.


these ramblings are not pointed and they have no meaning watsoever lol i just decided to try something. the memoirs you see above are my swirling thoughts. do u see how truly abstract i am? my thoughts go like this in circles for hours and i usually have no idea wat im talking/thinking about. my thoughts are not always on this subject but they are always serious and confusing lol. this is why i write. i have a specific reason for every single thing i write though it may not seem so. most things i write specifically relate to myself and something i am going through. i try to organize my mind but i cant so i write stories to help me understand myself...no im not insane or maybe i am, but who cares? lol