A Year Ago

this year has been a difficult one. it has perhaps been the sadest and yet happiest one of my life. a year ago this month is when it all started it seems. my little dog Bits died. i remember like it was yesterday and i wont bore you with all the gory details but one scene i remember so clearly was the day before when she was very sick. i remember sitting on the couch at skool waiting to go to class. i started crying and my best friend at the time, Brandon, put his arms around me and told me it would be ok. i cant remember all that he said, probably not much but i do remember him telling me, "It's all in His hands" that simple phrase became my motto for the next several months as trial after trial befell me, including the loss of Brandons friendship. another friend of mine, Mikey, was having a similar year of heartache and trial only it was much worse than mine. seeing him go thro all the things he did is probably wat saved me from self loathing and pity. it made me realize that in fact i was not the only person on earth and that we do not have an ashleocentric solar system but a heliocentric one. the important part about this is that we are all on earth together, all going thro horrible trials (some more than others). but wen i saw someone who was having a harder time than me and i tried to help him and point him to God i relaized how far from Him i really was. even now, looking at others sufferings shows me just how selfish i can be. i thank God for placing Mike in my life to help show me how to look at others and not only think of myself. i still have a lot to learn and i think this year will further test me in this area but lookin back on a year ago from now i can see how far iv come and how God is using the bad for good.

Graduation and next year

graduation is a lot like a first kiss. its daring and scary but exciting and thrilling, a little weird at first but very very sweet!! haha i kno silly analogy. but graduation is all those things. my ceremony was beautiful and ill never forget it but wat was said prolly wont sink in till iv moved out. right now im stuck. on the edge between freedom and still bein a kid. i wanna be an adult but its hard and sometimes i dont wanna deal with wats hard. wen im sick i still ask my mommy to make me soup, wen im tired i still try to get out of my chores, wen im feeling lazy i still wait for someone else to make dinner, and wen im hurt i still watch chick flicks, eat chocolate, and cry myself to sleep (which i suspect one never quite gets over lol) i talk to my fish like he knows wat im saying and i let my room get too messy to walk in. some parts r just me and others r childish. next year is gonna be really hard. ive never had to live with many other girls before, just my mom. i dont tend to get along with girls as much as guys. im not used to sharing a room. its just gonna be an awkward adjustment but i think it will be good for me. i need to be put in new and strange positions so i can learn to adapt.....more thoughts later

Winter Retreat '09

wow i cant believe im a senior, and this year at winter camp was my last year. this year i resolved to get to kno some of the younger girls and encourage them. its always so kool wen someone older than u is willing to hang out with u and just talk to u. so i asked one of the leaders to keep me accountable and make sure i followed thro with my plan since its out of my comfort zone and easy to shrink back away. it was a great experience, i met new people and got to kno others better. played foosball, ping pong, and shuffle board with some jr high girls. ate dinner with freshmen and sophmores and just kinda floated around talking to everyone instead of sticking to the people im comfortable with. one night we all prayed for this girl that iv known a while and has been in my GO Club. i never knew her that well but i kno she faces a lot of struggles. we all got in a circle and laid hands on her and prayed. later she came and found me and gave me a big hug and thanked me for praying for her and encouraging her. i was so touched by her testimony and i pray that God gives me more oppurtunities like this.

My Brother's Happily Ever After

i'd be a total liar if i didnt admit that i was at least somewhat jealous but i also realize that everything is still in God's timing. the wedding was beautiful... and i had a blast being a bridesmaid even tho i don't feel like i helped a whole lot. it was kinda fun bein all dressed up and getting so many compliments lol i just gotta remember not to let it go to my head. but i think prolly the best part of the reception was wen Casey Fehr (my best friend from jr high) made a beeline for me wen the music started and asked me to dance :) (prolly prodded by his mom hehe but o well) we danced for about four songs and just talked and caught up and i tried to teach him a lil swing. it was just so fun getting to see him. and it brought back lots of memories. the most embarrassing part of the reception was wen i was sitting talking to Paul (the one i am jokingly betrothed to HA!) and Mrs. Remy said, "arent u gonna ask her to dance??" lol he tried in vain to get out of it lol but he did end up asking me. and that was fun, he also asked me if i had a bf back home lol.... austin and i danced up a storm and i also begged Kael to dance with me a lil which he did after much prodding. i was about to talk caleb into dancin but my daddy came over and stole me before i could convince him o well lol. i also danced with Papa :) and of course Andrew and lil Timmy too lol (he is soooo cute) it was just a lot of fun and i enjoyed being a part of it. i even wrote my sociology paper on family involvement in marriage and showed my class Austins best man speech and some other pictures from the wedding. yes im still waiting for my turn but i can be patient and wait for the right guy. im sooo glad my brother is happy and i kno that God is at the center of his marriage and i hope that i can follow his example.

Coming soon.....

as soon as i get a chance im gonna write about the wedding and winter retreat lol

Revolve: Continuing the Revolution

i spent this past weekend at the Revolve tour with my GO girls and we had a wonderful time. the speakers were funny and energetic and even tho they werent as deep as we would have liked, each of us got something special out of the time together and the amazing fellowship. the most powerful experience i had though, did not come during any of the sessions, or during the music and concerts, or even in the fellowship (though laughing and talking in the car and staying up till 4am chatting was very fun and powerful.) no the most powerful experience i had was on the lunch break, day 2.

all day long my knees had been bothering me. it happens a lot but especially wen i sit or stand in the same place for an extended period of time. so during the lunch break (since we ate early) i decided to get up and walk around. first i walked out of the auditorium, but it was so crowded that i wasnt making much headway so i went back in the auditorium and just walked the colisium circle. as i was walking i was suddenly struck by the magnitude of this event.

as i looked, i saw thousands and thousands of woman. mostly teenage girls and i thought to myself out of thousands of hairs on thousands of heads, and thousands of thoughts in thousands of minds, God knows and cares about each and every one!! how amazing is that?? now imagine how much He cares about the millions of problems and hurts and joys and struggles represented in that room...

i began to pray as i walked. i let my eyes scan the girls i was passing. and i began to see how amazingly varied they were. God's fingerprints on each one. such beauty. i saw every hair color imaginable, every body type, clothing style, personality, and all their insecurities, their hopes and dreams, their hurts and sins, all flashed before my eyes and i was overwhelmed. i didnt even kno wat to pray for at first. i just kept thinking "these girls are beautifully and wonderfully made, and they r hurting, crying out in anguish" we hav a struggling generation on our hands.

as i passed face after face, i couldnt help but smile "God bless this child, heal that one, teach her to love others, teach her to love herself, show that one your mercy, show another your power, grant this one kindness, teach that one obedience, pour joy into this one, be a father to that one, show her she can came as she is, grant the mother beside her patience and peace...." and on and on. when my own mother spotted me and came to see wat i was doing i narrowly escaped breaking down into a torrent of tears lol. the whole thing was such an overwhelming experience.

i believe God has given me a heart for these girls for a reason, that he is calling me to minister to them. and i kno exactly y he picked me lol. because i am the least qualified. like moses and paul (im toooootally not comparing myself to them except in my faults btw) i am soooo inadequate, thank God, He delights in using the inadequate. :) please pray that God would mold me into the godly woman he wants me to be, that i will not look at my faults and see lacking or inadequacy but that i would see potential and room to grow. may i be a testimony to the fact that God can use anyone for the things they are worst at. i hav a tendancy to become discouraged and use excuses, pray that i will always be willing whether i am good at something or not. and please please please pray that i will not grow weary in persuing "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable" and "[everything that] is excellent or praiseworthy"

Thank you,
Asher

All Hearts Day

so as usual i cannot help but comment on that o so sacred holiday known as Valentines day. this year its a little harder for me to stay positive on this, one of my fave holidays but i still hold to my claim that v-day is a wonderful holiday for even those of us who remain single. its a chance to surprise someone, to make someone feel good about themself, to show that u love and care about certain people. this year iv decided that im going to send a valentine to one of my friends at college who is vehemently resenting being single. lol i want him to kno that just cuz he doesnt hav a gf doesnt mean he isnt loved. i hope it makes him smile :)

Turning 18

When you turn 18 you don’t automatically become an adult just because the world recognizes you as one. iv really been finding this out lately. i am sooooo not an adult yet, im still such a spoiled little kid lol. ya iv gotta make some of my own choices now, and i get to sign my own medical release lol but i dont hav any huge responsibilities, besides skool. the jobs i hva r total no brainers. i watch kids a LOT! and come on wat 13 yr. old cant do that?? not saying its a bad job just cuz it isnt hard, just saying doesnt take much on my part. im still learning how to be an adult. taking ownership for mistakes, humility (thats a hard one), taking responsibility instead of running to mom and dad for everything. i think next year is gonna be a rude awakening. im gonna be on my own a lot more. having to make my own appointments, managing my own bank account, making sure i get to class on time, going to job interviews....and so on. my parents hav been cultivating this independance in me all my life but until i step up to the plate it isnt gonna do much good, so im gonna try to accept more rewponsibilities and adult attitudes now so that i dont hav to freak out later lol.

Love is Patient

one last thing ill say on the matter is that in the famous love passage, i think there is a reason that patience is first...

Learning to Love the Hard Way : a Psalm of Lament

i have realized all too late that iv acted in the most abominable way. doning the exact opposite characteristics than what love is. i became selfish and impatient demanding my own way. iv been proud and rude and resentful, deeming myself in the right for these feelings. iv been so foolish, so utterly and miserably wrong. but who will hear it now? the consequences of my unlove are being heaped upon me. my only choice now is to resolve to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things. i must not be jealous.



i became greedy with a spark of love and tried to take it by force, to claim it for my own. God knew. my whole world is so safe. so comfortable. so spoiled. do i think of others as better than myself? do i yearn to preach God's word to the world, even to my friends? do i chase after oppurtunities to serve? only wen they are conveniant i am ashamed to say. is it that iv not been called? or that iv never heard the call? is my fear so ingrained in me that i cannot hear the voice of the Lord?



o the wretched child that i am, so much disgusted by my own self worship! and am i now so blinded to my shortcomings that i deny my tru desperation, deny my glaring faults? O God forgive me and restore my broken soul. my vision has been clouded with my own pain, my own hurt, my own pity...iv strayed before but never so far as this. Draw me close to you once more. my childishness sickens me.



love rejoices in the truth! in the right! were i simply dragging my feet at the truth would it not be bad enough?? but no i dug in my claws, screaming. worse than the demons in my unbelief so deluded that not a word could console me. but now my repentance is firm. not a cheap trick for my own favor but sincere and unwavering. guide me. show me. take me thro this fire iv created for myself for only you can.