i have realized all too late that iv acted in the most abominable way. doning the exact opposite characteristics than what love is. i became selfish and impatient demanding my own way. iv been proud and rude and resentful, deeming myself in the right for these feelings. iv been so foolish, so utterly and miserably wrong. but who will hear it now? the consequences of my unlove are being heaped upon me. my only choice now is to resolve to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things. i must not be jealous.
i became greedy with a spark of love and tried to take it by force, to claim it for my own. God knew. my whole world is so safe. so comfortable. so spoiled. do i think of others as better than myself? do i yearn to preach God's word to the world, even to my friends? do i chase after oppurtunities to serve? only wen they are conveniant i am ashamed to say. is it that iv not been called? or that iv never heard the call? is my fear so ingrained in me that i cannot hear the voice of the Lord?
o the wretched child that i am, so much disgusted by my own self worship! and am i now so blinded to my shortcomings that i deny my tru desperation, deny my glaring faults? O God forgive me and restore my broken soul. my vision has been clouded with my own pain, my own hurt, my own pity...iv strayed before but never so far as this. Draw me close to you once more. my childishness sickens me.
love rejoices in the truth! in the right! were i simply dragging my feet at the truth would it not be bad enough?? but no i dug in my claws, screaming. worse than the demons in my unbelief so deluded that not a word could console me. but now my repentance is firm. not a cheap trick for my own favor but sincere and unwavering. guide me. show me. take me thro this fire iv created for myself for only you can.
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