Bored...

life is so boring and pointless w/o someone to share it with. someone to tell yer entire day to. to laugh about every detail with.

Love 2

wat is love?

seems like u arent allowed to kno wat love is until a certain age. like until yer 18 or maybe its 20 or 30 or even 40. just cuz its hard to understand doesnt mean teens cant. most often i agree that they dont hava clue, but sometimes...dont u think maybe we r capable? capable of comprehending at least a portion of wat love is. not even 90 yr old adults can fully understand love in its purest form so y is it every time a teen says they r in love everyone scoffs? i admit i do it too. but at the same time we ourselves claim to knowing wat love is. and apparently once someone is engaged they suddenly understand love? thats not always tru. i think i get love much better than a lot of people who are married.

Love

what is love?

sacrifice.

Distractions

so i was trying to finish my math test but i couldnt focus so here it is....
my distractions:
when something scares me i make up stupid excuses or hide
when something bugs me i over react
when something hurts me i act out with anger
when something makes me sad i carry around depression
when i dont understand something i react with sarcasm
when i am rejected i always think its my fault no matter what
my emotions tend to control me and i dont want it to be like that anymore. in sociology we are talking about the theory of I and ME. the I is wat we think of ourselves. the ME is wat we think other people think of us, whether they do or not. my ME has been controling me and i didnt even know it...
i think people think certain things about me so i often end up acting like that... its kinda backwards and weird.

My Fake Pearls

ive been clinging to things for a long time. like the little girl that bought a set of fake pearls and loved them more than anything else. one night the girls father came to her and said, "do you love me?" the little girl said, "of course i love u daddy, u kno i do." "then give me your pearls." said her father. "o not my pearls daddy, anything but my pearls." this conversation was repeated several nights in a row. then one night when the father came in the little girl sat on her bed almost in tears. he asked her wat was wrong and she held out her hand and dropped her strand of fake pearls into his hand and said, "i love u daddy here are my pearls." the father reached into his pocket with tears in his eyes and brought out a strand of real genuine pearls and gave them to the little girl.

"No Daddy, not my Bits. Not my sweet dog, anything but her..."
"No Daddy, don't take my friend, not him please I need him now..."
"No Daddy, not my Roxy, she is all i have left. Don't take her from me..."
"If I can't have anything else at least leave me the comfort of food Daddy..."

i think God is teaching me to let go of my earthly comforts and rely on him. so he can give me my pearls...

Spitting Out the Seeds

i think i may be finally past the initial crushing. i hope im not speaking too soon. i just hav to keep telling myself "u will get past this", "u will get over it" yesterday i was in an almost giddy mood and im sure that was just a realease of tention but today i feel better than i have in a long time. "happiness is a choice" as my mom would say and its tru, even in such extreme circumstances. in my blurb Too Hard To Get i said "Do we give up when life hands us lemons, or do we stand up and make lemonade? I personally don’t care for lemonade so this analogy doesn’t work for me. How about; when life hands you lemons bite into one, make a funny face, and spit out the seeds. Taste the bitterness and move on. Don’t wallow in misery sipping from it occasionally. Learn from the experience but don’t return to it daily." today i am spitting out the seeds.

i Is a kolleg StooDENT... (o the places u'll go (and the people u'll see))

im at skool....my first day of college classes for the semester. its been a lil nightmarish so far. my first class i walked into with plenty of time to spare but i was a lil aprehensive since it was public speaking. as i sat there and listened to the conversations ensuing arround me i began to get more and more nervous...."is this the right class???" i asked myself. finally the teacher came in and wrote the class on the board alongside her name..... umm at this point im thinking that PSY does not mean public speaking. the teacher turns to the class and says "welcome to 225. how many of u r taking this class because u want to be a nurse?" as ten people raised their hands my own hands began to quiver. as a girl sat down next to me i said "umm i think im in the wrong class is this public speaking?" she said that no it was not and she had just come from a public speaking class in the annex (not the main building fourth floor) apperently the classes were mixed up in the book and she told me how to get there so i said thank u and tripped all over myself getting out the door. i went to the info desk to make sure and yes the annex was where my lost class was hiding. i got there and still couldnt find the number till a teacher who must hav seen the wild look in my eyes asked if i needed help. finally i found the class just as it began. 5 more people walked in behind me but they were late because of the mixup and were marked down.

for my second class i had creative writing. as i got there i saw this girl Denea who was in my classes last year and we sat together. i watched as this other girl walked in. she had the back of her head shaved short and dyed blue. the front and bangs were longer and red. her ears were gaged a lot, she had a bull nose ring and many other piercings. a tattoo on yer chest going down her shirt (if u could indeed call it a shirt) spagehti straps and bra showing.....ya.....i found out later i actually knew her once upon a time at Elizabeth but she was def no longer recognizable. we proceded to answer interview questions form the perspective of a shoe lol!!! and needless to say i loved the class and teacher!!!

my third class was interesting. brandon and i both hav poly sci or american gov. we got there early since we hav such a long lunch. we were sitting chatting a little but not much cuz he wsnt feeling good. this old guy walked in and sat down saying "oo i wonder wat this teacher is like." he then proceded to get up and as he walked past brandon he spotted his shirt. "the things they dont teach u in skool" the list is pretty long and he read every point occasionally mumbling or commenting to himself. wen he got towards the end, all the sudden he exclaimed "NO S***?!?! o srry no kidding?" lol and that was our introduction to Mr. John Ratliff our poly sci teacher. he reminds me of a mix between Dustin Hoffman and Benjamin Shumaker(excluding the language of course). the first thing he said at the beginning of class was "this is the first time ive ever taught so im kinda nervous." then he started laughing and explained that, that wasnt tru. he is totally funny but a hardcore demoncrat lol. so its gonna be fun lol.

finally my fourth class of the day....astronemy. brandon walked me to my class since he didnt need to be anywhere. we got there a lil early and the previous class was still in session. so we sat down in a commons area on the third floor to wait. at four i went back and the class was still in session....it didnt look like they were stopping any time soon so in light of the previous incident i went to ask info people if i was in the right place. apperently the class i was signed up for didnt exist.... the MW classes were mixed up with the TR classes in the book. so i talked to a counselor and figured out some alternatives but basically that is why im writing at this time....cuz my class was canceled (or never existed) so ive got nuthin to do till brandon is done with his P.E. stuff at 8.

all in all it was an interesting day to say the least. haha

Growing Up

so im turning 18 in 11 days... its kinda scary. idk that im ready for it. is anyone ever ready? or do some people just think they r? my dad got me this laptop as an early b-day present/yer going to college so maybe this will be an insentive to do yer hw lol its pretty sweet and iv wanted one 4 forever!!!! but it also brings some unpleasent thoughts...college. ya college is wen the little birdies leave the nest to make their way in the world..... im torn in two. i want to be on my own but at the same time im scared. i wont have anyone to tell me to go to bed on time, or to not eat too much ice cream. i wont hav to call home if im gonna be out late or if i wanna go somewhere with friends. no one to fix me lunch wen im feeling lazy or make me soup wen im sick. i also wont have a fuzzy body(my dogs) to snuggle with wen i have bad dreams or play with wen im bored. who will cheer my up with a sloppy, slobbery kiss wen im sad? lol this year will be a small taste of that.... my last year to show my family and friends wat they mean to me.

What Were You Thinkin???

so i was walkin thro the mall today and i saw this lady with a red shirt that had a hole cut out in the front so that half her chest was hanging out and let me tell u it was not a pretty sight. i just wanted to walk up to her and say "umm excuse me, wat were u thinking wen u got dressed this morning? do u really think that looks attractive? cuz i really dont appreciate being blinded when im shopping." of course i only whispered this comment to my mother who replyed that that shirt would look ten times better on me lol but i told her she'd never see me in anything like that. throughout the rest of our jont i saw many people who just didnt have a clue how to dress. i gave my mom the "did a dog puke that up?" look more than once and the "is that even legal?" look at least 3 times. i saw a girl squatting in the bookstore and her pants were showing parts of her that im guessing she didnt kno were showing...along with a rose tattoo not meant for the eyes of the general public. i mean come on if yer gonna wear pants that show off yer butt at least wear underwear. yuk!! *pours bleach in eyes* so anyway girls dress modestly (everyone around u will thank u) and guys....well thats a whole nother story lol

The Art of Stealing Innocence

how does one loose their hope? passion and longing for freedom. faitytales and romance... in my younger years i craved the adventure and the unknown found in my books. i would write page after page of stories. secrets locked away for some day to fly away. but now... where r they now? a veil is placed precariously over my face, waiting patiently to fall away once more. wat put it there? perhaps one too many broken hearts jarred my image. faded that spark within my soul. i now think in terms of practicality where i used to follow my heart and dreams....i worry, i think, but seldomly do i dream. is this just part of growing up? must i relinquish my love for adventure? will romance find me? or was this innocence stolen from me? forever lost to oblivion. only to be seen in future generations. or will love cure me? so many questions grip my soul.

Fascinated

i am so fascinated with animals and all things in nature. i guess its a unique interest God placed in me. yesterday i bought a crowntail beta fish. he has a flowy tail and he is all blue and kinda sparkly. i named him Rolf. this morning wen i woke up he wasnt hiding like he did all yesterday and i just watched him swim around. i could do that for hours. his movements were so different than how people move. (yer thinkin well duh its a fish) but seriously hav u ever just watched something like that? cats for instance r rather peculiar in their movements. our yg went camping last week and it was a blast. for our half day of prayer and 24 hour fast we went up on a mountain to a meadow. much of my time was spent just marveling at creation. watching bugs buzz around, birds hop on the ground, flowers sway back and forth, chipmunks scurry away (startled by me). i like to use all my senses to discover things. listening to crickets or birds or just the breeze. smelling flowers, rain and fire. tasting fresh fruits and berries. seeing so many wonderful colors. feeling the different textures or bark, pettles, grass. idk where i got my fascination with life in general. i guess a lot of that comes from my mom. wen i was very young she instilled such a curiosity in me. we stopped in the middle of our walk to examine an inch worm, or pulled our car to the side of the road to catch the last fleeting glimpses of a startled deer. we picked wild flowers, watched bugs, made snow ice cream, danced in the rain, and watched hail storms from our garage. i want to teach this appreciation of life to my children. i think a lot of the violence in the world today would not exist if we taught our children to revel in God's glorious creation. to care about the sanctity of life. next time u see a spider watch it spin its web. next time u notice blossoms on a tree take time to smell them. appreciate beauty for it may not be here forever.

Bored

im bored with blogging... wats the point? i dont write about anything interesting. maybe if i started a political blog id get some feedback, or a religious one, *shrugs* i have a lot to say. i could do an advice blog....or something like that. but right now im basically just talking to myself....wat do i kno a lot about??? Christianity, books, animals...those r prolly the 3 things i love talking about most. and i do kno a lot about them. i also have an obsession with Shrek. yes i kno hard to believe but i do. i could tlak about movies for hours prolly. history is sometimes interesting...poetry (see my other blog) but life?? (which is wat ive been tlaking about till now) life?? wat do i kno about life? im only 17 for heaven sake. i could talk about life till i turn blue and still u would prolly walk away with nothing more than u came with. wat is discernment? wisdom? knowledge is easily attained but how to use it is the big question. nobody reading this wants to kno about my life. y would u? i wouldnt tell u about it anyway lol. u want to kno about your life. thats my assumption at least. so maybe ill start writing for your interests instead of my own. wat do u want to kno?? if idk ill find out.

PROM!!

im so excited i finally get to go to prom!! ive been waitin my whole life to go to prom....its like almost as big as yer wedding lol jk jk. but every little girl dreams about it. i remember staring at pictures of my mom and dad's prom wen they were in high skool and dreaming of one day being swept off my feet and maybe even getting a kiss at the door lol. now of course my perspective has changed and ive decided to save my first kiss for the alter instead of prom night lol but i can still feel the excitement of going. its only 3 and a half days away!! tho it prolly wont be quite the fairytale i imagined it to be, im sure it will exceed my expectations in other ways. i have a chance to show people that you can have fun without acting like a whore....lol in fact its more fun to be the girl that a guy has to work for. my "date" is my best friend lol and i can already tell we r gonna have a blast. he has already made this a wonderful experience for me. i cant express enough how much i appreciate him and his gentle and fun nature. its hard to find a good christian guy nowadays that values friendship so much (thanx buddy) i guess the only other thing i have to say is WOOT WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im going to PROM!!!!!!! lol

Love Is In The Air : to breathe or not to breathe...

Valentines is one of my favorite times of the year to post and i totally missed it this year. o well im posting now. i love this title because it totally conveys my thoughts. ive recently begun to struggle over the issue of legalism. wat is ok and wats over the edge? black and white is a thing of the past and now there seems to be only a gray fog. what i thought to be wrong before, now seems petty and wat i thought to be ok before seems too stuffy. is it my perspective changing or the times? with age comes understanding or so they say, but to me it seems the opposite....the older i get the more i see that i dont understand. the more i grow and change the less i seem to kno where i am going and the more i forget where ive been.

for those that know me im sure they would agree that taking chances is not a hobby of mine at all. its more like something to be avoided like the plague.... so wen i do take a chance it is with much care and consideration and even then i constantly worry about it. sponteniety is something i am learning to enjoy, but i still have a long way to go before ill totally loosen up.

unlike many of my friends i dont think that love is a word to be used flippently. love is not something to be triffled with lazily or to be tossed around wenever we feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. no love is much much more than that.... some of the greatest minds in history, at the ends of their lives, had just begun to scratch the surface love in its entirety.

there is much more to be said, but until next time.....wat good is life if u dont think aout it???