Old Photo Albums

It’s funny when you look back on your life and realize how far you have come. Old pictures have a way of bringing bitter sweet memories to mind. When you see someone you loved that has moved away or drifted from you it reminds you of the good times and the bad. So much can change in an instant…

Remember how awkward and scary your first day of high school was? I do. When I started this blog I truly was a “Teenage Hermit” and that’s all I wanted to be. I liked playing the part of the misunderstood artist who struggled along trying to find her place in the world. Now I don’t want that life. I’m tired of the loneliness and the emptiness that comes from isolation. It’s funny, isn’t it, how our perspectives change with circumstance, age, and maturity? What will become of me now? What will I do with my new found self? Confidence is a new thing I’ve learned along with tact or diplomacy as I like to call it. I am still searching for my place in this world, but this time not as a rebel (which is how I always thought of myself inwardly). I can feel something stirring like I’ve never felt before. Where is it coming from? Where is it going?

This year as I’ve grown much closer to God I discovered that I have often been a compulsive liar. This is not ever a good thing to admit to being. However, I have slowly begun to try and change this behavior. Why did I lie? Why does anyone lie? Because they are afraid. Afraid of what? Well anything really people’s reactions to truth, self resentment, reality. To be honest with others you must first be honest with yourself. If you can’t accept reality then why should they? Then you must admit to God that you are a “that” so that He can change you into a “this.”

Those little moments that seem to make life worth while are just that “little” moments. I’m learning how to delight in those moments and forget about the rest. “Happiness is a choice.” As my mom always says. Well I’m beginning to believe her.

License!!!!

I'm going to get my license today, that is if i pass the test... im going to be driving a car ive never driven before....im a little worried about the parking part but i just need to trust that everything will go well. i cant wait till next week when we get back from hunting. the thing i am looking foreward to most is driving my dog Roxy to the park and just relaxing and then maybe buyin an ice cream for us to share lol. im ready to be able to do things with friends...not that my friends really do a whole lot anyway lol but maybe we will start doing things. i just got my hair cut really really short. - 8 inches!! my mom said she would help me streak it or color it or watever. i have new clothes a car and i can smell the freedom, i just can't taste it yet. there are so many things i want to do. so many places i want to see. i cant wait to explore the world!!!! but maybe that will have to wait....o well all i kno is my time is closer than ever before i can almost touch it.

Women of Faith Conference 2007

so i went to the conference this weekend and it was absolutely incredible. definately a life changing experience. the speakers were all wonderful and I am so glad i was able to go. i have just this year begun to realize the depth of my own ignorance and how sheltered my life has truly been. the conference helped to once again open my eyes to the horrors of this world. each speaker touched me in a different yet very specific way but the one that i identified with most was Patsy Clairmont who spoke on living through and being liberated from phobias (of which i have many). i decided to purchase her book "Dancing Bones" and i can't wait to start reading it. i am totally flabergasted by this weekend and i know that God had a purpose for my attendance. i can't wait to put my new found insights into practice and see wat God has in store for next year.

If You Could Change the World, What Would You Do and Why?

I wouldn't change the world. I think that even though there are a lot of bad things in the world, they help us to appreciate the good. If we never get disappointed, then we never know how good it feels to do something extraordinary. If we are never hated, we will never know how it feels to be loved. If we never go hungry we will not enjoy a warm piece of apple pie. And so on...

Toys That Destroy A Child's Imagination

i think that the imagination is a very important part of growing up. it helps u learn what u want to do with yer life and how to fix problems, and in some cases create them lol. kids nowadays have sooo many toys that they have forgotten how to use their imagination.

Inspiration

i have waaaay bad writer's block. ive had it fer about a month and i cant shake it no matter how hard i try. i need suggestions and encouragement. Love and a Broken Heart are the best inspiration one can have but unfortunately i dont have either at the moment. i need help with my stories, they are all dead or dying. help me!!!!!! anyone......the touch is slipping from my grasp and its killing me.

Mexico 2007

we drove into the church parking lot at 10:45 on saturday night. as everyone piled out of the car (except for me, for i was frantacally searching for my left shoe) i heard sobbing. i looked out of the van and saw Giana Craig hugging Jacob as tight as she could and bawling. he patted her on the back and shrugged to his parents. everyone chuckled and asked if he thought she had missed him. i finally found my flip flop and tumbled out. i was passed from one set of arms to the next and then told to get my things. i asked matt for my bags, grabbed my sleeping bag, waved goodbye and stumbled to my car. mom and dad sat in the front and austin and i were in the back. i alternated chatting about random things that happened on the trip and dozing off on the way home. wen we got there i jumped out and waited while peanut thoroughly sniffed every inch of me before determining that it was in fact me and i ruffed his fur. roxy had some trash in her mouth as usual and she wouldnt come to me. i walked over and grabbed her ears like i always do and she backed up like she didnt know who i was and she acted a little weird till we went to bed and then she was quite herself again. i was exhausted but i had 26 e-mails and needed to reply to a few of them. when i walked up to my room peanut had some article of clothing that had been plucked from my laundry basket hanging from his mouth. (it was shredded) i chastised him only mildly and then hugged him and told them both how i had missed them. after visiting the cats and kissing each one i climbed into bed.

Not I

every now and then i get a feeling of restlessness so tangible i can taste it. i want to go on a quest like the heros in my stories or be kidnapped and rescued by a noble knight. i want to change the world with great deeds, or fly over the ocean to see the wonders of Europe, or climb a giant mountain. i want to write a magnificent novel and then live the lives of the characters in it. slowly as life trudges foreward i lose that feeling to monotony only to find it once more in a never ending cycle. perhaps the only way to rid myself of these bouts is to experience my grand adventure. who can tell? not i...

SANE OR INSANE???

do u ever wonder if u are the last sane person on the face of the earth? i do.... what is the world coming to? that is all.......

Highlights and Lowlights

Skool is nearly out. i have one week left of math and field day and i'm done!!! moving from sophy to jr. an upper classmen say wat up!!! the question is wat do i have to show for it?? wat did i learn as a sophmore in the skool year of 06-07?? i think i learned more about life this year than i wanted to learn, i saw more heartache than i've seen in all years previous, i've tasted fear and bitterness, as well as joy and contentment. i have learned of the wonders of facebook :) and the dissapointments of blogging. ive signed up for more scholarships and college info packets than i can count. i have caught a faint glimpse of the demands of motherhood as well as the joys. ive been barfed on by babies so many times that the smell no longer bothers me (that much). ive learned that your sense of humor is a powerful weapon and that if you use it carelessly it can cut deeper than an insult. i started taking chances and trying new things (including: gorgonzola, karate, and sky diving ......jk jk not there yet lol). ive made friends and lost some. i've cried till all my tears were gone and laughed till my sides hurt. i backed into a mailbox and survived a blizzard. i sneezed my way through 3 major alergy attacks. i may have a "mouse voice" but i sing "like a disney princess." (lol) i battled racial injustice in the Civil war and watched John Proctor hang in Salem. my meltaway dreams lost the baking contest to kitty litter cake and i took third place in the science fair with my presentation on black holes. i discussed theology with my grandparents and learned the delicate procedure of milking goats :). i know now that i do not want to work in an office but that i love watching the show. (Jim loves Pam awwww) ive learned confidence and that i like wearing skirts. i joined a protest group against Sinjaya and it payed off!! i understand the difference between obeying and honoring and see that i need to work on the latter. so many things have added zest to this chapter in my life but im happy to let it go. this summer will be a completely new adventure......but who knows this one may wind up in a book some day (not just metaphorically). thank you to all those who contributed. i will never forget these memories and will hopefully can learn from them for the future.

My Emancipation Proclamation

I am freed from sin. Dead to what once bound me and alive to my gracious Lord. For once was I a slave to iniquity, but now I am a slave to righteousness. Bound to follow wher’er His will dictates my path. The perfect Lamb was slain in my place and has atoned for my shortcomings with his own blood poured out on the tree. Severing my bonds, He has rescued me from my shackles. I turn from that which I despise to that which I long for. Gladly my heart will beat only to serve till the last pulse thrums. Oh, to be a beggar in heaven. Yes that would satisfy my soul but the adoption complete; He has made me an heir to His kingdom.

The Forgotten Beasts of Eld

here is an excerpt from a book i am reading that made me cry because it is so powerful and moving. the lady is using her husband in an evil plot and he finds out...


"Coren, I could not tell you. I could not drag you into my hate and rage, I did not want you to know how, how cold and terrible I can be."

"Or how little you need me."

"I need you..."

"You need Rok and Ceneth more than you need me. Sybel, I do not understand this game you are playing. Do you think if I know you, I will fear you? Cease to love you?"

"Yes," she whispered. "As you are doing now."

He gripped her suddenly, shook her, hurting her. "That is not true! What do you think love is, a thing to startle from the heart like a bird at every shout or blow? You can fly away from me, high as you choose into your darkness, but you will see me always beneath you, no matter how far away, with my face turned to you. My heart is in your heart. I gave it to you with my name that night and you are its guardian, to treasure it, or let it wither and die. I do not understand you. I am angry with you. I am hurt and helpless, but nothing would fill the ache of the hollowness in me where your name would echo if I lost you." He loosed her. She watched him, wide-eyed, her hair drifting across her face. he turned away from her suddenly. She reached out to him.

Found this on my cuzins facebook and thought OMC YES!!!

"Love is not a warm up suit, you can't snap out of it"- Sir Sam Woodard

Custody Case

there was this story in the paper the other day about a little boy who was beaten by his parents and was taken into prtective custody until a fit gaurdian could be found. the boy was about 9 years old and they decided to ask him who he would like to stay with. they asked if he wanted to go be with his uncle and he told them no because his uncle beat him too. they asked him if he wanted to stay with his grandparents and he said no his grandpa beat him worse than anyone else. finally they just asked the boy who he would like to go to. he said, "Send me to the CU Buffs, they can't beat anybody." hehehehe

A Future To Look Forward To

we had such a gorgeous spring day today, absolutely marvelous. after school i stayed outside until i had to go watch the kids and then we stayed outside at the park almost the whole time. at the park the cutest little girl named Sarah played with Darcen and Alyssa while her dad helped me keep track of them. we had so much fun, and sarah told me all about the things she could do for example "i tan go willy willy fast on my bike" i cant wait to have a family of my own. to be a mother is a high calling and as a nanny i am learning how demanding it can be. but at the end of the day when im reading a story or singing a lullaby to help them forget childish fears and go to sleep....its all worth it. and to think that some woman give up such a wonderful gift, i cant imagine. im excited for the day when i will stand at the alter and declare my love and devotion to God and my future husband and then comes what i believe to be my true calling, Kids, but not just any kids MY kids.

"Be the kind of girl with her heart so deeply buried in Christ that a guy must seek God to find it."

To be wanted is much more valuable than to be needed.

What Do You Say?

What do you say to someone who hates themself? What do you say when they confide in you? How do you comfort a lost soul or help them to move on? What do you tell someone who is stuck in a pit that they themselves keep digging deeper and deeper? What advice can you utter when it falls on deaf ears? How do you help, what can you do, how do you cope, and what do you say, especially when that person is you?

Good Quotes

Our demons are often more terrifying than physical things...

-Kristin

It seems that the things you least expect in life have a way of finding you and forcing you to pay attention at the times you would least expect them to.

-Ashley

Your past doesn’t change who you have become. It just brings more understanding to those who know you now.

-Ashley

V-day Ryhmes With D-day

now isnt that an interesting coincidence lol. jk jk but it sure seems like someone was planning that one. single people make Valentines Day miserable for everyone else. just shut up already!!!! we understand y u dont like this holiday but guess wat..........its not gonna change so get over it!!!! im tired of people openly whining about and criticising people who actually enjoy this day. now of course not allllll single people do this and not all couples loooove this holiday either, please understand im generalizing by the people that i hang out with most. i personally dont give a rip why people like it or dislike it, but it usually boils down to the day has grown waaaaaay too important. sure if u have a significant other it is a fun day to exchange surprises and have a good time, but if u dont then dont get all worked up about it. its still fun to hang with friends and do cards and candy. everyone loves a nice card that tells them u care and maybe a piece of candy to sweeten em up lol. just cuz its almost v-day doesnt mean u should go out and find a bf or gf so that u can have warm fuzzy feelings on that day too and u dont feel left out. create yer own day and yer own moments with people who r important to u that will last a lot longer than a temp bf or gf fer the holidays and some dried up roses.

Thank You For You

as most of u kno i nanny on monday nights. the kids are adorable and i love them sooooo much. tonight as they were saying their bedtime prayers Alyssa said the usual thank you for my family, mom, dad, and Darcen. and then she said, "Lord, thank you for you." this just made me think to myself, how often do we just thank God for him? we don't normally say thank you God for being you and for showing me your glory today. When i heard her say that i couldnt help but thank him for reminding me of himself through this precious child. when we see the mountains covered in snow with majestic purples and blues, or when we see a gorgeous sunset with beautiful golden clouds. deep reds and yellows in the flowers or even a patch of grass after a long winter, we r not just seeing creation. we r seeing the gentle touch of the creator at work. Thank You God For You!!!!! for your amazing splendor and for showing us your glory!!!!

Surprise I Can...

have you ever surprised people so much that afterwards they think of u in a completely different way? or have u never done something in front of a crowd that u always do by yerself? then wen u do it in front of a crowd they ask u where u have been hiding yer whole life and it surprises u cuz u r so used to it yerself. people should be more open minded about others and allow for surprises in them. am i making any sense? like when someone does something exceptional, just cuz we have never seen them do anything like it before doesnt mean we should be surprised. idk guess it doesnt matter much what do u guys think?

Country or City

i was born in Littleton Colorado. middle of a major Colorado city. wen i was 11 years old we moved to Avondale Arizona, the middle of the country. since then i have lived in between city and country. sometimes my city breeding shows clear, but more often than not my true country heart shines thru lol. most of my friends r def from the city and i get razzd a lot about it lol, but they just don't see wat i see. they look at the bad as most do, and dont see how beautiful a simple life can be. i love almost everything about a country lifestyle. the open space, the fresh air, the animals, the music, the hard work and ethic, the clothes, the cowboys lol, and the drawls. haha i cant imagine living any other way now, unless God decided he wanted me somwhere else. they say yer not a true cowboy/girl untill u have gone off a horse twice and believe me i have a right to the title cowgirl.

A Favorite Quote Of Mine

"The truth is often spoken in jest."

007 New Year

wat words of wisdom do i hav to usher in the new year? u may ask.........i say stick it to the man. redouble yer efforts and let im have it this year. but u have to use something other than Rock 'n' Roll and such. we should use like some kind of reverse psychology er sumthin. like if u cant beat em join em mantality while never forgetting the mission. yup stick it to the man. thats all i got so chow and have a great new year!!!!